Ache
by Lazarus Risen
Summary: There was nothing to numb himself to anymore. His life had meaning and purpose now. He had hope. Most importantly, he had Hiro. KenseiHiro, spoilers for season 2.


There was an absolutely terrible itch on the underside of his foot that would just not go away. He scratched and scratched at it for what seemed like ages, but the itch simply never ceased. He could feel his skin getting hot, could sense that it was getting red and irritated from all of the scratching, but he couldn't stop.

"Kensei," said a muffled voice next to him, "go to sleep."

"Can't, carp," he said, fearing that he would soon tear a hole through his flesh if he kept this up - not that it would matter, of course; wound would just close itself right up in a matter of seconds. It was still a rather odd thing to think about. "My foot itches something dreadful."

"If you leave it alone, it'll stop itching," Hiro said sleepily, turning over on his side to face him. "You'll…" A yawn. "You'll need your strength tomorrow."

"Fine." He fell back on his "bed" (if one used the term loosely) and stared up at the tent's ceiling; he could vaguely see the night sky through it.

In a mere few seconds Hiro was right back asleep. Kensei envied him that - the ability to fall asleep instantly just by closing your eyes when you were tired. No matter how sleepy _he_ got, his endless stream of thoughts would keep him up for hours at a time. It was why he usually drank a lot at night. Then he could just pass out and wake up the next morning. Made things a lot simpler.

Of course, he couldn't do that _now_, with his carp watching over him like a hawk, making sure not one drip of sake passed his lips. Normally such surveillance would aggravate him immensely, but lately he did not find himself minding so much. It wasn't like he really needed to, these days. There was nothing to numb himself to anymore. His life had meaning and purpose now. He had hope.

Most importantly, he had Hiro.

(Although, "hope" and "Hiro" were pretty much synonymous in his mind, anyway.)

He turned his head and gazed fondly over at the sleeping Hiro lying not too far away from him, his chest going up and down in slow, steady breaths. He felt his heart swell irrationally, and his mouth curve into an involuntary smile.

God, he was being completely ridiculous. The classic fool.

He took a deep breath and jerked his head upwards again, glaring up at the sky. He couldn't love Hiro Nakamura; he just couldn't. There was simply no possible way he could be so unlucky as to love the man that was lying next to him, sweet and peaceful and perfect.

But he did, unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried to fight it.

He looked over again (he couldn't help himself, really), and his heartbeat accelerated for no discernable reason as Hiro shifted and mumbled something nonsensical under his breath. A wave of something - warmness, affection, _something_ - washed over him, and he felt sorely tempted to touch Hiro's face, cup his head in his hands and kiss him while he slept.

He didn't, of course. It would ruin everything.

Instead, he sat up and swung his legs over the side, inching closer to Hiro, looking down on him. He tilted his head and smiled.

"Are you asleep, carp?" he asked softly.

No response.

He hesitated, and felt his eyes soften and sting, somehow, at the same time. His stomach lurched and he brushed a stray hair out of Hiro's face.

"I love you, you know," he whispered. "I don't want to, but I do. I'm sure you don't want me to, either… I'm supposed to love Yaeko; that's how the story's supposed to go." He bit his lip. "I think your legends are a load of bullocks, to be honest. I could never love her…well, at least, never as much as _you_, you completely oblivious moron."

He heard something rustle behind him, and an odd gulping noise.

He turned sharply, and was greeted by the shocked face of -

"…_Hiro?_"

His eyes darted back and forth between the Hiro lying next to him and the Hiro crouched over in the corner of the tent, eyes wide and fearful.

"What in the…?" He felt his mouth drop. "How are you…?"

The Hiro in the corner mouthed at him silently for a second. "You were telling the truth," he whispered, voice warbling slightly.

Kensei felt his body go cold. "You… heard me… when I was…?" Oh, God. This wasn't good.

Hiro seemed like he desperately wanted to say something, but instead he closed his eyes and he was gone.

"Wait!" he shouted, then winced and looked over at the Hiro that was sleeping next to him. None of this had woken him, thankfully enough.

Kensei tore out of the tent, whipping his head around, knowing that it was pointless trying to find the second Hiro, that he was probably off in the far distant future somewhere, but he had to look, at least. His heart was practically jumping out of his chest at the thought of Hiro having heard what he had said. He had to come up with some sort of cover story, no matter how bizarre…

But what was another Hiro doing here, anyway? And what did he mean, "you were telling the truth"?

He stopped running after a bit, and leaned against a tree, panting heavily. This was pointless. This other Hiro was gone, and all of the running in the world couldn't bring him back. This made him ache - in a way, having Hiro know his true feelings was absolutely terrifying and, at the same time… an odd sort of relief.

And besides, he wanted to know what the bloody hell was going on and now there was no one here to tell him.

He slid against the bark of the tree down to the grass, still panting. He hugged himself around his middle and looked up at the night sky, so dark and infinite and littered with thousands of tiny, white stars. He imagined that his arms were Hiro's, and that they were sitting here together, alone, looking up at the sky, happy. Immediately his mind told him to stop being so foolish, but for once he didn't listen to it and let himself dream idle dreams.

That was when he saw the other Hiro not too far away, sitting at the foot of another tree and his eyes squeezing shut, then opening, looking frustrated, and then squeezing shut again.

"Why can't I do it?!" Hiro cried, and put his head in his hands.

"Carp?" Kensei yelled to him.

Hiro looked up. "Kensei?"

"Are you all right?" He slowly got up to his feet and trotted over to where Hiro was sitting. "What's going on? I mean… why are you here?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, and put his head in his hands again. "I shouldn't be here…"

Kensei chewed on his lip as he watched Hiro shake his head back and forth, muttering things to himself.

"I don't like seeing you like this," he said quietly. "What's going on? What's happened?"

"You… this wasn't supposed to happen!" Hiro shouted suddenly, making Kensei jump. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!"

Kensei breathed in deeply and gazed down at the ground. "I'm sorry. I can't… I can't help it. I tried loving her, I did…"

"Huh?" Kensei glanced up; Hiro looked confused. "What do you - oh. Yaeko."

"She's a perfectly nice girl, of course," he continued, just to talk, just to _say_ something, so he didn't have to be alone with his insane thoughts and his fluttering stomach, "and I have nothing against her at all - rather nice to be loved by someone, for once, honestly - lovely girl, really, I do like her quite a bit - but… but… I…" _Now would be the time to stop talking,_ he thought, and did.

"But I thought you loved her," Hiro said, more to himself than to Kensei. "This…" His lip quivered. "I should go. I can't make things any worse."

"Carp, would you just tell me what's happened? I can't… I can't stand seeing you like this. It pains me." He bit his lip, hard, and tasted blood. He felt the wound stitch itself back together and clamped his mouth shut in alarm. Still hadn't gotten completely used to that yet.

Hiro looked up at him, face twisted in anguish, and Kensei felt his heart ache severely. "You… I can't say. There are some things… you shouldn't know."

"But how can I help if I don't know what's wrong?" The ache in his chest increased as Hiro's eyes welled up with tears.

"You cannot help," he muttered, rather bitterly, and averted his gaze. "I must leave." He closed his eyes again, squeezing them shut so hard that his jaw wobbled and his glasses almost toppled off of his nose.

Nothing happened. Hiro slammed his head violently against the tree trunk in frustration. "Why can't I leave?! Why…" A sob broke out, and Hiro's whole body shook as the tears fell copiously down his face.

"Carp, don't cry, please…" Kensei knelt down next to him. The ache was consuming him entirely; it hurt more than any sword stabbed through his stomach or arrow through his flesh ever could. Hiro's pain was his pain, even though he couldn't figure out for the life of him _why_ Hiro was so miserable. He felt compelled to take him in his arms, stroke his hair, try to calm him down, because there could not possibly be anything worse than this, than watching Hiro cry so hard and be so utterly sad. "Please don't cry…"

"I can't h-h-help it," Hiro said, voice breaking, and Kensei saw that his eyes were red and his face was splotchy but he was still just so perfect, even like this. "I can't s-s-stand being here… it's too painful… I w-w-want it to be this way again, but it n-n-never will be…" A louder wail broke out, and Kensei couldn't control himself anymore. He gathered the sobbing Hiro roughly in his arms and buried his face in his neck, and gently rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back. His heart raced at their proximity, at the feel of Hiro's warmness against his body.

"Everything is fine, everything is going to be fine," he murmured reassuringly, but this only made it worse. The ache was insurmountable; it was clawing at him from the inside and tearing him apart limb by limb, long, sharp nails digging in deep and ripping bone. He felt his own eyes well up with tears. "Dammit, Hiro, you're making _me_ cry!"

He felt Hiro's laugh rumble against him, and Kensei let the tears fall from relief. "That's right. That's right." He ran his fingers gently through Hiro's hair, and they sat like that for a while, the moon shining down on them and the night air cool and crisp. His clothes felt slightly damp from Hiro's tears, but at least he wasn't crying anymore. The ache was still there, but it had been dulled.

After what seemed like eternity, Kensei lightly said, "Now, I don't mean to pry, but would you mind telling me what on earth all of _that_ was about?"

He felt Hiro laugh again, and the warmness chased away more of the ache.

"I teleported here," Hiro said, voice muffled against cloth, "because… you told me I should."

He raised an eyebrow. "I did? When?"

"That's not important," Hiro said hastily, and Kensei knew there was something Hiro wasn't telling him, but decided not to push it. "What's important is that… you told me that you loved me."

Kensei felt himself tense up, although he didn't know why. It wasn't as though it were still a huge secret.

"I didn't believe you at first. I thought you were just saying that to…" His voice trailed off. "But anyway, you said that I should travel back to this night and see for myself."

"And…?" Kensei said, and couldn't stop himself from hoping, even though it was ridiculous to think that Hiro could ever return his feelings.

"I shouldn't have come. It was too risky. I could've broken history even more. I still could," he said, and Kensei felt like slapping his hand across his forehead. Carp was missing the point, yet again.

"Yes, but… how do you feel about… me?" he asked, and instantly regretted just blurting it out like the fool he was; what could he possibly be expecting Hiro to _say_; he shouldn't have brought it up, he should've just never mentioned it…

Hiro paused. "I don't know," he said.

Kensei blinked. "You… you don't know?"

"I don't know. I don't know, I don't know," he repeated, and burrowed his head deeper into Kensei's chest. He held him tighter, silently praying that he wouldn't start crying again. "It's all so…" His voice trailed off again, and a burning curiosity seized Kensei.

He furrowed his brow. "Carp, what happened that was so horrible?"

"I can't tell you."

"Oh, sure you can."

"I can't! You can't know what's going to happen. No one should know things that will happen to them in the future. It is not how the world is supposed to work."

"Well, I don't think drunkards being able to heal from any wound and little Japanese men being able to move through time and space are how the world is supposed to work either, but here we are."

"That is different. You…" He sighed heavily, and didn't speak for a few moments. "It's nothing. It's something silly. You don't need to worry about it."

"It seems to have _you_ awfully worried."

"I told you, it's nothing. I'm… I'm overreacting."

"I don't believe you, you know."

"I know. But it's true. You don't have to worry about it. Not now."

"If you say so, carp."

Hiro nestled in and wrapped his arms around Kensei's waist, and Kensei felt a bubble of pure happiness swell in his stomach. He couldn't stop the grin that was taking over his face, and he wrapped his arms around Hiro even more tightly.

This. He never wanted this to end. Ever.

"I could stay here forever, carp," he murmured.

"I know you could." A small chuckle escaped from his lips, and Kensei chuckled too, though he didn't know why.

He didn't know how much time had passed before Hiro gently pulled himself away, smiling up at him sadly.

"I really must go now. You need your sleep. You have a lot of work to do." He inclined his head slightly and adjusted his glasses.

"I don't suppose I could persuade you to stay…"

"I can't. There _is_ another Hiro here, Kensei."

"Do you… do you think I should tell him? Er, you? Past you?" He pursed his lips. Time travel was confusing.

"No. He… he wouldn't understand. Not now." Hiro pursed his lips too. "It feels like so long ago, that that was me. Although I guess it was, in a way."

"I hate to see you go," he whispered.

Hiro gazed at him for several moments. He smoothed back Kensei's hair, and Kensei closed his eyes. "I want to remember you like this." He seemed to hesitate, then laid a small kiss on Kensei's forehead.

Kensei gave out a low, shuddering sigh. Hiro hung his head and let go.

"I shouldn't have done that," he said quietly. "It will make everything so much worse…"

"Carp, it is going to drive me absolutely _mad_ if you don't tell me what it is that you're on about."

Hiro shook his head. "Goodbye, Kensei." He looked like he was about to cry again, but he choked down the tears, concentrated -

And he was gone.

Kensei let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding and slowly stood up. He looked back over at the tent in the distance where the sleeping Hiro still lay and smiled.

Well, if he couldn't be with Hiro now, at least he would be at some point in the future. This other Hiro loved him - he had to. Or at least he would, soon.

This was good enough. This gave him hope.

Hiro always gave him hope.

He started the trek back to the tent, sure in his happiness.


End file.
